hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
