I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
