Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
