You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
