I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
