i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
