She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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