capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
