could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
