god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sarcasm needs its own font
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
