Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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