I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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