seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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