Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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