just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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