I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
