So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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