went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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