I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
