Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
