you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
home. puking in laundry basket.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
