I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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