i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
