I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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