I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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