You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
