i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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