I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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