You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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