In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I lost the right to judge tonight
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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