soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
