I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
