Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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