my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
