My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I stole a fireplace last night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
