I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
