He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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