im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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