I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on