So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.