I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
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I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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