He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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