My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
