I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
