Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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