If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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