Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
