Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
