saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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