so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dicks are not precious.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
