Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
