The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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