My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
