Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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