I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
