I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you still have your period?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
well you can't waste a boner
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
