Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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