I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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