I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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