my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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