Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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